By Ruthie Greenock
Image by Ruthie Greenock
Are you a good liar?
Do you tell your kids everything’s fine, as it’s all turning to caca? Does her bum REALLY look big in that?
Compassionate people are more likely to indulge in little white lies, intended to smooth over interactions and soften the truth.
These are what scientists call “prosocial lies,” told for someone else’s benefit. Lies told for personal gain are therefore called “antisocial lies.”
More than just a theory of mind, prosocial lying requires the ability to identify suffering (empathy) and the desire to ease that suffering (compassion). It also involves anticipation of how our words may cause suffering with hypothetical reasoning.
BEING A GOOD LIAR REQUIRES EMPATHY, COMPASSION, AND A COMBINATION OF MEMORY AND IMAGINATION.
LYING FOR GOOD GUIDELINES
When in doubt, be kind. It’s better to tell a well-intentioned lie if there are no long-term consequences than to hurt someone’s feelings. Don’t use honesty as an excuse to be cruel or selfish.
Think about timing. There’s no need to be brutally honest at a time when the person involved has no ability to change the situation.
What’s your preference? Directly ask the person seeking your input whether they prefer the truth, or want a watered-down version.
Be aware of your motivation. Are you trying to make the person feel better, or are you hoping he or she will give you something in return?
Be truthful if you want to assist with change. If there’s a real issue the target may pay too high a price for your white lie. Better to address the problem directly than try to avoid embarrassment or an argument.
Less-than-honest reassurance. Often people are seeking reassurance more than a statement of fact. ”Did I make a fool of myself at the party last night?”
